Redeem your 
Hello Nettie,
I have a problem that I am not sure how to handle and I was I hoping for some of your thoughtful insight.
A few weeks ago I had a pleasant conversation with a fellow Pogo member, so we became Pogo friends. We sent each other a few messages and played a few card games to chat and get to know each other. All of this is great, I really enjoy making new friends and getting to know people.
These past few weeks I’ve been very busy with work, family, etc. so I haven’t been on Pogo as much as I normally am. Well, my new friend has sent me at least five message a day, asking questions like, “are you online?” “are you there?” “you like me don’t you?” “did you block me?” “where are you?” and so on. I don’t want to be rude and snub my new friend, but her behavior is a little too needy for me. My long-time Pogo friends have left me guestbook messages that they cannot message me because my inbox is full. In two days this new friend sent me over 20 new messages, clogging my inbox.
I’m at the point that I don’t want to log into Pogo at all. When I do, I am always in stealth mode now, (what a great feature!). If I play in social mode she follows me to whatever room I’m in and immediately invites me to private chat; sometimes I am chatting with other friends so I decline her invitation. Then she send insecure questions to my inbox again. I’m not sure what to do. Some of my friends say block her and be done with it, others say just ignore her and delete her messages until she takes a hint. I’m not comfortable with either suggestion. I would like to tell her that she’s coming on way too strong. She needs to pull back and just be herself. Her clingy self-conscious messages have me so put off that I’m not sure I want to continue this friendship.
How do I explain this to her without hurting her feelings?
Frazzled By New Friend
Dear Frazzled by New Friend,
Your question is how do you explain how you feel without hurting her feelings. The unfortunate answer is that it’s very likely that you simply can’t.You have chosen the most direct and honest approach to handle the situation, and I applaud you for not taking the advice of your friends. Those suggestions, while intended to be help you avoid an uncomfortable situation, are the easy way out and guess what? Ultimately, those tactics will end up hurting her feelings anyway. So, you’d end up hurting her feelings and feeling like you’ve let yourself down, too. So, kudos to you for sticking by your convictions. Yes, the reality is that her feelings are likely going to be hurt no matter what. In life, our feelings get hurt from time to time, but if we’re lucky, we’ll have someone like you who cares enough to do it directly and honestly. She may benefit from this situation. Perhaps she’s never had anyone be up front with her.
I’d suggest you simply send her a Pogo message and be polite, but frank. Something along the lines of “I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you. However, I am feeling uncomfortable with the amount of attention you’re asking from me. I have a busy life outside of Pogo, and when I’m here, I’m just here to have some fun and unwind. I enjoy your company, but I need to ask that you please stop following me around so much and to stop sending so many messages. The messages come across as insecure, and frankly, some of them have left me feeling upset and concerned that you’re becoming clingy.”
Of course, use your own words. Once you’ve sent it, understand that whatever happens now, you’ve been direct and honest and most importantly, respectful to her and her feelings. Ideally, she’ll understand that and back off, and work towards remaining friendly.
Realistically, there’s a good chance that she’ll take it the wrong way. I’ve been in a similar situation myself where I had to tell someone I’d been friendly with for a number of years that she was becoming too emotionally attached and that I needed my space. She took it the wrong way and said some very ugly things. I did my best to stay on message and not get emotional about it, but the friendship did not last. I’m sad that it didn’t work, but I’m comforted by the knowledge that I did take the direct and honest approach.
When I was in high school, I handled a similar situation the wrong way. There was a girl who was a bit insecure and thought we’d become best friends. I was young and didn’t have the maturity to handle it directly and honestly, and ended up talking behind her back, treating her poorly, and making fun of her when she wasn’t around. Eventually she got the message and the friendship was over. There is no doubt that she felt hurt and betrayed and that situation haunts me to this day. I could have been a better person, but instead I looked for an easy way out. There is no easy way out.
Feelings will get hurt, no doubt, and she may not handle your message with grace. Yet, you’ll at least know that you followed your instinct and were as respectful to both her and yourself as you possibly could be. There’s not much else you can do to handle the situation correctly.
Dear Nettie,
This is really more of a request than a question. The backstory: I was trying to get the last two weekly badges I need in order to get the 1,000th. I’ve been putting off Spades because it’s not a game that comes easy to me and it requires winning rated games. I’ve since given up on it because people are so snarky even when you tell them right at the beginning of the game that you are not good.
Could you remind people that not everyone is the best player, but that they do try their best? A table do players actually made me cry during a game of Spades this morning. Talk about ruining a Sunday morning!
I’ve come to terms with the fact that Spades will keep me from winning the special badge, which makes me hate Spades all that much more. :)
Take care!
999 Weekly Badges
Dear 999 Weekly Badges,
Oh Spades! It’s funny, in a column from way back when I said something about how so many Spades players can be mean and cruel. I fully expected the Spades community to gripe about my statement. But I didn’t get a single letter from anyone saying that my statement was inaccurate! I think even the nice Spades players recognize that the game has attracted a good number of… we’ll just say “difficult people”.
My advice to you is to avoid the people playing Spades and instead turn your attentions to the Pogo Message Boards. Under “General Discussion” look for “Badges and Challenges.” Post something about needing someone friendly to help you earn a badge in Spades. Likely, you’ll get a few folks who will happily, and kindly, offer to help you.
Best of luck to you!
Hi Nettie;
I never thought I would experience anything on Pogo that would cause me to write to you with a question, but here goes!!
I was playing Hog Heaven slots with a couple of friends, one of whom is Buddhist and the other Muslim, when a large group entered the room and began conducting a rather extensive Christian prayer meeting in open chat. It was the kind of evangelistic prayer normally reserved for church, with two people leading the prayer and several others adding a long stream of “amen”s after every line.
As an atheist, I found this somewhat offensive, but did not realize how offensive it could be until my Muslim friend pulled me into private chat to ask if I thought this was excessive and thoughtless to the point of violating the terms of service. I told her to just mute them all and let it go, but later looked up the terms of service, and my question is: Does this violate the terms of clause 11 that says you may not “Organize, effectuate or participate in any activity, group, guild that is …religiously or otherwise offensive”? And should this have been reported?
I was sorely tempted to interject with “Praise be to the might of the sword of Allah” or “Allahu akbahr!” amidst the string of amen’s after each sentence to see if i would get any religiously intolerant reaction from the Christians, but realized that they were not worth the hassle and proceeded to take my own advice and mute them all myself.
Just sign me….
Glad I Bit My Tongue
Dear Glad I Bit My Tongue,
I, too, am glad you exhibited constraint and bit your tongue. Without knowing what was actually said in the chat room, I can’t tell you whether or not what they were doing was in violation of our Terms of Service. If they were spewing hate speech towards other religions, races, or other groups, that would obviously be a violation. If they were simply going on and on about their religious views, but not targeting any specific groups, then they were likely not in any violation.
Was it obnoxious? Yes, there is no doubt that it was. These folks should really find a private place where they can privately engage in their prayer messaging. Going into a public chat room and taking it over to discuss religion is inconsiderate at best. There are many places all over the Internet where players can privately chat about whatever they want without disturbing others who simply want to play their games.
Now, this answer will likely prompt at least a few letters comparing these folks to the tournaments that come into rooms and interrupt the chat with their tournaments. The big difference here is that the tournament chat is directly related to the game, and as such, while no doubt annoying to those who were peacefully playing the game before, is acceptable. Players can engage the mute and be done with it. Or they can mute everyone with the /mute * command (that’s a slash, the word mute, and an asterisk). To unmute, players can type: /unmute *.
Ultimately, while it might be tempting to interject a jab at a group of people engaged in a conversation about a topic with which you disagree, all you’d accomplish is upsetting people and possibly starting a “room incident”. And for what? It’s highly unlikely you’d change anyone’s mind. In these situations, it’s simply best to graciously employ the mute, go into private chat, or turn off chat completely.
